As martial art instructors, we not only teach self-defense, but positive character traits. And one that we often work to counteract within our students, especially the younger ones, is selfishness and greed. These are easy qualities to acquire and perhaps they are even somewhat innate. Look no further than the toddler who wants the last cookie for themselves or young siblings who are fighting over who gets to play with their favorite toy. You'll quickly see how easy it is to fall into the habit of looking out for yourself as opposed to sharing with others. 

Two Reasons We Learn
​​Before we talk more about this, let me point out something I learned as a teacher. When children learn a skill, they learn it for one of two reasons. Either it is a skill that is somewhat expected, such as learning how to walk or speak. Or they learn it because it is something they enjoy doing, such as learning how to beat a video game. There is some overlap, such as some children learning how to read because that is what school requires of them, while other children read simply because they enjoy it, but for the most part a learned skill or trait falls into one of these two categories.

The reason I bring this up is because "generosity" is a skill that we have to teach to our children (though some adults need to learn it too). If our default setting is to be selfish, then learning how to share and care for others is something that we must continually learn and improve upon. But I want to take a moment to look at the reasoning behind why we want to learn this skill. Do we want people to learn how to be generous out of necessity or because they enjoy it?

One thing I caught myself doing when my children started getting older is that when they questioned the morality of decisions and asked my why they had to do something, my response was simply, "Because it is the right thing to do." And that is a perfectly acceptable response. No one would argue that being generous is ever the "wrong" thing to do. However, as I continually used this response, I discovered that my kids did not feel a sense of pride in their compassion, but rather the burden of necessity. It bothered me that when I told my daughters to share their toys, they did so with a sigh of frustration. They didn't argue, they weren't rude, and they absolutely listened to my directions, but I could tell that they got no happiness from showing one another kindness and generosity.

That bothered me.

So I propose to you that we should be generous and, by extension, teach our children to be generous, out of our own happiness and joy. Our generosity shouldn't be a burden, but rather something we freely give. We should be generous with our generosity! If we want our children to be generous when we aren't watching them out of the corner of our eye, then we must show them that generosity is the right thing to do not because their parents and teachers told them it was, but because we have empathy for others. 

Change Your Language
Next time you want your child to share or be kind, try saying these phrases instead:

It may seem like this change in language could baby our children and demand less of them, but that is simply not true. It is still very demanding language. The only difference is it puts the responsibility of being generous on the individual instead of an external source like a parent or teacher. I am no longer telling them to be generous, but simply pointing out a circumstance where they could practice their generosity. This causes them to really think about how their actions affect other people, teaching them to be empathetic to other people's situations. This is the first step in teaching students how generosity is important.

Reward from Within
If you took a basic psychology class in college, you probably learned about Pavlov and his dogs. Pavlov conditioned his dogs to to drool when they heard a bell by associating the bell with food. Soon, he didn't need the food to make them drool​...the bell was enough. Though it may seem silly, we use this principle with children. They eat their dinner, they get dessert. If they do their chores, they get their allowance. We reward them in hopes that they will learn good habits and one day they will do the task without the reward.

But when teaching generosity to young people, rewards can backfire. Remember, we said that we should teach kids compassion through empathy. When you give them a reward for sharing a toy, they learn that they are sharing simply to better themselves. So how do we positively reinforce generosity? 

I said earlier that students learn skills either out of necessity or out of joy. So if we want children to learn generosity through empathy, then their reward must also be empathetic. They should feel joy in the fact they brought joy to others. Point out to your children how they have been a light to others, even if it is insignificant. Even if your kid shares a single M&M with another child, that is generosity! Make sure to say, "Wow, I bet that made Chris really happy!" This way they learn the internal reward of helping others. It's not a tangible reward, but perhaps that is the best type. 

Yes, you shouldn't need a reward to do the right thing. But perhaps this internal satisfaction is less of a reward and more of a remind of our moral obligation to help our brothers and sisters.

Not Just For Kids
We've talked a lot about how we can create generosity in our children, but generosity isn't a skill that only children need to learn. As adults, we often get caught up in our own needs and don't focus on what would help other people. As martial artists, we are always looking to better ourselves. One way we can improve our character is by improving the lives of others. If you want to be more generous, you will have to start being more intentional. After doing it for awhile, you will start to feel the rewards and eventually it will create a habit of being empathetic and compassionate. Those connections to other people are priceless and will only better your character. And that's what martial arts is all about: improvement-- not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. 

Do you or your child want to develop the life skills necessary for dealing with failure? Contact Trinity Martial Arts to find out more about our martial arts program, focusing on traditional martial arts, self-defense, and positive character traits needed to succeed in life!

No one likes to fail. No one enjoys losing. Yet, there is not a person out there who hasn't experienced the emotions that come with discovering our imperfections. Children seem to take failure especially hard and not being able to reach a goal often leads to tears and meltdowns.

Failure is inevitable, but it doesn't have to be cyclical. So as children (and adults) grow up and encounter failure, they must learn how to fail "well", that is, how to take failure and change it from a death sentence into a breath of new life. Whether you are struggling with failure yourself, or are looking to teach your child how to handle the difficulties of life, here are some tips for how you can deal with the obstacle of failure.  

Here are 3 Tips for How to Fail Well:

1. Redirect

There are a lot of emotions that come rushing over a person when they fail. There is a sense of disappointment, a feeling of dismay, and a lot of questions about what you could have done differently. And don't get me wrong, I am not telling you that you (or your child) shouldn't be feeling these emotions. In fact, those are healthy emotions to feel...as long as they don't control you. Once you have gotten over the initial disappointment of your failure, take that emotional energy and invest it into something else. 

The biggest thing you will have to avoid is letting your failure define you. Failing does not mean you are a failure. This is a lesson many children AND adults have to learn. So when you fail, redirect your negative thoughts into positive ones. Take statements like "I messed up" and change them into "How can I do better in the future?" Shift the mindset of, "Man, I really stink at this" and instead say, "I can't wait to get better!" It will be hard at first to do this, especially for children, but by staying vigilant and practicing redirecting our thoughts, it can turn a failure into an opportunity. 

A lot of times your thoughts will manifest into reality. This isn't magic. You won't say, "I'm good at this" and then miraculously become amazing.  What I mean is that when you direct your energy into positive thinking, it mitigates the negativity that comes with messing up. A negative thought will become a self-fulfilling prophecy, but a positive outlook gives new life to your ambitions and pushes you forward, making it more likely that you'll avoid failure in the future. This is why we need to watch how we speak to ourself--and our children--and make sure that we redirect our language towards positive motivation rather than negative deprecation. 

2. Reevaluate
When we fail, it means that we couldn't reach a goal. Whether it be winning a game, passing a test, or achieving a promotion, failure means that we couldn't measure up to the level at which the bar was set. A lot of times when this happens to people, they spend their time staring up at their unobtainable goal, dreaming about how nice it would be if things worked out. Instead, when we fail to reach a goal, we have to renew our ambitions. There are a couple ways to do this.

First, we may have to reevaluate our goal and set it at a more reasonable level. For example, if I can't do 100 push ups, maybe it would be more reasonable to set a goal of doing 10 push ups. There is no shame in lowering the bar to a realistic level, as long as you are willing to raise it up again as you continue to grow. In fact, by setting more reasonable goals for yourself, it will help you take more notice of the progress you are making, thus motivating you to keep going, one step at a time. Renewing your goal may just mean breaking it down into more manageable pieces. 

Another way to breath new life into your failure is to use it as an opportunity to come up with a plan. If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, then when we fail, it would be insane to just keep doing the same old thing. Pull out your thinking cap and come up with some ideas. If you failed a test in school, there are solutions to keep it from happening again! Ask yourself, could you study more? Maybe get a tutor? Ask the teacher for extra help? Don't get discouraged when you fail. Instead, take it as a reminder of the things you need to work on, and then come up with a plan to help you do just that. There is no shame in asking for help, so we should normalize this for our children, as well as ourselves.

By continuously reevaluating our goals and then figuring out a strategy to meet those goals, it will make us overly prepared. Does this mean you will never fail again? Absolutely not! But when you do, you will have the tools to keep pushing forward.  

3. Rejoice
One of the big problems people have in today's day and age is the idea that you cannot be happy unless you win. Let me tell you that this is a ridiculous thought that we need to actively work against. When you fail, there are opportunities for rejoicing! 

First, a lot of our failures mean success for someone else. If you got the silver medal, then be happy and cheer on the person who got the gold. Additionally, you can learn something from that person. You should rejoice in the fact that someone else succeeded and be happy you got to witness it. Glean what you can from that other person and be positive about your ability to grow from your loss. 

Now, this is not going to be applicable to every situation. If you scored a 50% on your final exam, I am not going to tell you that you should be super happy about it. But at the same time, you have to remember that failure is NOT the end of the world. In the example of the final exam, there will always be more tests to take, more classes to pass, and more things to learn. Instead of drowning in your sorrows, rejoice that you have an opportunity to continue to learn and grow. The only way that opportunity could ever be taken away from you is if you choose to wallow in misery. 

Putting It Into Practice:

These three actions of redirecting our thoughts, reevaluating our goals, and rejoicing about future opportunities help us to not only deal with the sadness of failing, but give us a plan for how to move forward. To put these ideas into practice, it is going to take active effort and even after doing this for decades, failure may still sting. What's important is that we remember that the fruit of our efforts does not define us.  What defines us is the effort we put into producing that fruit and the constant desire to better the process along the way.

Do you or your child want to develop the life skills necessary for dealing with failure? Contact Trinity Martial Arts to find out more about our martial arts program, focusing on traditional martial arts, self-defense, and positive character traits needed to succeed in life!